Faith Journals

At the prompting of Leah (please click here to view her blog and you will be blessed!), my sweet sista in the faith, I have begun the process of reading back through some of my writing and journaling from the past.  From time to time, I may post some of my journal entries and poetry (if you can call it that).  I found something I wrote during the painful days prior to my surgery and I would like to share it with you.  It's amazing to see what God has done in my life since then.  To set this up, I had written down a few Scriptures I was mulling over at the time:

"We live by faith, not by sight."  2 Corinthians 5:7

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."  Hebrews 11:1

Journal Entry  - 6/18/01

Faith is sometimes deeper than where I'm willing to go.  Nightly I'm awakened; my heart pounding as a panic fills my thoughts.  This cloud over my life seems unmoving and I can't help but feel a little lost.  Like Peter, I am helpless as I survey the waves below.  My eyes fall off You, Jesus, and I want desperately to know....how to have faith in the unknown, the unseen, the unspoken words.  Faith that refines me, transforms me.  This comfort zone I live in sometimes makes me claustrophobic.  I feel trapped inside my self-made limitations.  God longs to lift me outside of my box to see the great expanse of His power and might - ready to move in and through me to do so much more than I could ever imagine.

While God quiets the storm around me, all I can see is the deep blue sea beneath me and I fear falling into the vast unknown that is God's purpose for my life.  Where is He taking me?  Where will I end up?  What is the end result?  I'm frightened by what I can't see, what I will never know, and mostly, by not hearing specifically from Him.  It's tough letting go of all of these self-enforced fears and doubts.  Instead of walking across waves, I'm tossed by them - shaken, trembling. 

I long for a faith that sets me free to walk ahead in bold confidence - knowing not where I'm going, but Who I'm following.  Leaving it all behind like Abraham, in obedience of my LORD's command.  I want to set off on this journey - to walk out on the sea and say, "LORD, here am I, send me."  (Is. 6:8)  I don't have to have confidence in myself, but only in the One Who made me.  I don't have to see beyond my next step because I'm sure of the One Who goes before me and lays forth my path.  This is what faith is - having confidence in a Sovereign God who knows the plans He has for me - plans that give me a hope and a future (Jer. 29:11).  Hasn't He taken care of me in the past?  He will continue to do so as long as I take up my cross and follow Him.  So, LORD, let's go!  I'm ready now...send me!

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Looking back is such a gift and I'm so thankful to have written these struggles down.  I couldn't have known then what I know now.  All that I went through, all the pain, was WORTH it.  Hallelujah!  I pray that you will be able to look back on the trials and difficulties in your life to see past the hurt and find your faith to be bigger than it once was.  To find your view of God opened up wide and stretched to the outer limits of the box in which you've tried to contain Him.  Try Him...He just *might* surprise you.