4:45 AM

That was the time of my wake-up call this morning.  When two giggly girls emerged from Ella's room, all refreshed and revived from all 7 hours of beauty sleep.  I, on the other hand, am a walking zombie after 4 & 1/2 hours of ugly sleep.  How I'm even able to compose a sentence is a miracle, I tell you.  But, that's not what this post is about, so let's move on.

Ella is having her first sleepover.  Well, that's not technically correct.  We have had dear friends come into town on occasion, and she has had week-long slumber parties with her buddies.  But, this is the first time she has been able to invite a friend on her own to spend the night.  It's actually been a joy (with the exception of the aforementioned wake-up call) to watch my daughter interact with her friend.  She was literally beside herself with excitement yesterday as we waited for her friend to arrive. 

"It will be just like having a sister," she proclaimed with a squeal.

Little does she know how those words break my heart.  How watching her with a close friend, how having a constant playmate for just a day or two, makes me long even more for the sibling she may never have. 

Pizza was gobbled down over cute conversations about likes and dislikes.  Cupcakes were made, decorated, and eaten, between bouts of imaginary play.  Dressing up as princesses and putting on a show.  Snuggling up to watch a movie, then talking themselves to sleep.  Waking up early (did I mention it was 4:45??), conspiring to have pancakes for breakfast.  Spinning, twirling, laughing, fighting, hugging.

In the end, the friend must go home, and my daughter's life will return to normal.  Normal is mom as her only playmate.  Boring old mom who doesn't like to play dress-up or talk the Barbies.  Mom who drags her around on errands instead of enjoying 20 episodes of "Phineas & Ferb" or "The Suite Life". 

In the end, it's just mom, dad, and Ella.  If God doesn't intervene and open my womb or see fit to bless us through adoption, that's the way it will stay.  It is my constant prayer that she will be content with her family of three.  That I will be content.  For we are truly blessed beyond anything I could have asked or imagined. 

But, sometimes, the same old wound opens back up and bleeds just a little before it scabs back over.